The World in the Palm of Your Hand

What are the necessities needed to fight off the horde?  Where do you scavenge for medicine, Twinkies, condoms, and weapons if you are caught unprepared?  I have a pretty a good idea of where to find those things but do you?  The good peeps at doejo sure do! They created a Google powered map that helps you locate the resources you need.

As you can see from the sample above, I'm well situated between the heavy artillery and the booze.  All I have to do is grab a bottle of Jack and steal one of those little blue tanks and I am outta' there.    

Check out their Map of the Dead website so when ole' ugly calls you'll be ready to answer.  I don't know who thought this project up but I sure would like to buy them a beer.

On a personal note, stay away from the Twinkies if you want to use the condoms or outrun the horde.  

Location, Location, Location

Any real-estate agent will tell you it's all about location but I doubt they've ever thought about the best location to sit out doomsday!  I want to live out my zombie days in luxury.  Since most will be already dead or dying there will be some select properties to choose from but if you want to stick with a no-frills secure site you should think about an old missile silo.  Nothing screams security like squatting in the home of a retired nuke.



Most decommissioned missile silos offer more than 10,000 sq ft of climate controlled bliss.  Add a few scavenged solar panels and drill a freshwater well and you'll be set for life.  You may even catch the occasional two headed fish nearby for that extra uranium enriched protein.

With 46 ton nuclear blast rated doors no one, including the poor-hygiene militia up the street, will be causing you any problems.  If you forget to shut the door and some dead guys get in it's no problem.  The 100 foot hallway is the perfect shooting lane for a quick game of zombie tap!

Don't bring a gun to a brain bash

How many times have you seen a survivor, armed to the teeth, overcome by the walking dead while pausing to reload?  In a zombie apocalypse we need to take a lesson from our European ancestors.  Their weapons were made to land blows with bone crushing effectiveness time and time again.  My instrument of medieval death would be the skull cracking force of a spiked steel ball.


 If it can punch through a layer of metal armor it can put a dent in the soft, rotting cranium of a Zed!  I would choose this baby over an edged weapon any day.  Wielded skillfully in both hands you're like a swirling tornado of death but don't forget to drop it before patting yourself on the back for a job well done. If you don't you're going to be sleeping on your stomach for a while.

Eat or be Eaten

A healthy human can easily go 40 days without a meal. Although looking like a starving Ethiopian may make you less appealing to the new denizens of earth, it doesn't do much for your energy or ability to fight the horde. Let's not even mention what starvation does to your sex drive. So if you want to survive, or at least enjoy your last days bumping nasties, make sure you have an adequate food supply.

I highly recommend some delicious buckets of freeze dried food.  It's not a bucket of fried chicken but it sure beats trapping rats or eating loyal little fluffy.

If you're one of those unfortunate non-believers that haven't already spent thousands of dollars stocking up on food supplies you're going to have to scavenge. I recommend steering clear of the big box stores. They will be like roach motels for the dead.  

Instead, hit up convenience stores and pile up on as much peanut butter as you can find. Peanut butter is a miracle food in a survival situation. It's high in nutrients, calories, and plant proteins. It also doesn't have to be refrigerated after opening. If you have enough you can even smear it on the ground near openings to slow those teeth gnashing maggot sacks long enough to bash their craniums. I think that's what good ole' George Carver had in mind the first time his spoon stuck to the roof of his mouth anyway.

Dressing for Success or ..... Devastation

For the ultimate protection against drooling dead guys buy a Kevlar jacket, but personally, I would have to sacrifice a little safety for some style. That's why I'd go with this rough and tumble leather jacket from Allstate Leather.


While you're fending off carnivorous cadavers it's easy to get bit or scratched on accident but if you've ever chewed on one of these things you'll know that your teeth will go before the leather will. You can fight with confidence knowing those bastards aren't going to be having you for brunch. Don't shave for a couple of weeks and even the fugliest ruffian will think twice about going a round with you. Bad-assery is an image that has to be kept up though so make sure to keep a few cigars and a Leather Cigar And Flask Case (Google Affiliate Ad) handy for a post-battle victory celebration.

Cruising Through the Horde. In style!

I don't agree with Fox News on much but they got one thing right.  In their article "Best Car to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse" they highlight the Conquest Knight XV.  We're talking about 4 wheels of mean machine here.  Not only can the zombies not see you they damn sure aren't going to bust out the windows and grab you.  This armored baby was designed to take on high velocity rounds and at twice the size of a Hummer you don't even have to leave to sleep.  The only time you have to get out is to pee... then again... you could always keep a bucket handy.


It looks like a gas guzzler and I'm assuming it is since the website doesn't list the MPG but with a 60+ gallon tank that shouldn't be a problem.  It comes standard with night vision, satellite communications, and ballistic run-flat tires.  If you're worried about the coming fuel shortage don't be.  This V-10 runs on bio-diesel.  You can make it wherever you're holed up.  Let the good times ROLL!

You can check out the conquest website here: Link 

Stabbing and Slashing

I've had more than one discussion about the most effective way to dispose of the walking dead but the boys at Zombie Tools seem to have it figured out.  I'm specifically impressed by the "Phalanx" and "The Spit".

Both of these bad boys can be wielded in one hand.  Use the "Phalanx" to slash your way through rotting corpses and "The Spit" to jab at their eyeless faces.  If you're cornered in a tight spot you can butt the end of the spit against a wall to hold off the reanimated flesh sacks while you slash away.  It gets easier as the bodies pile up.

Tunes and the Zombie Apocalypse

So we all know it's coming.  The zombie apocalypse is upon us.  Why not plan on survival with style.  I know when I'm fighting off the horde I want some scrapping tunes ready to play and a well cooked meal in my belly.  That's where this little gem will come in handy.  The BioLite Camp Stove can boil water, cook eggs, or pan sear stray dog steak all while charging your i-pod or other USB device.

If you're worried about using precious fuel, this baby runs off of twigs or any combustible material that might be lying around. It's ultra portable too. At 33 ounces and 8.25 inches tall you can run with it, which is important if your camp is invaded by a group of hungry flesh sacks looking for a quick bite.