Most Zed Defensible Location

We've all seen these T.V. shows where they move from location to location trying to find the most defensible spot to keep the Zed and their fellow man away.  Forget about trying to fortify a house, farm, or even a town.  How about a fucking fort!

Introducing the Castillo De San Marcos

Now you don't have to be a member of the European Union or have an ocean-worthy vessel to get here.  This bad boy is right in our own back yard.  Just off the Atlantic Ocean, this fort was designed by the Spanish to protect Florida against invasion from the British.  It's walls are made of coquina and can withstand the force of a canon ball at close range with little to no damage.

Did I mention it has moat.  Although the draw bridge is now stationary it could easily be refitted with another draw bridge.  It also has a portcullis.  Those soggy headed walking corpses won't be braking down that fence.  It also has working canons and an oven designed to heat canon balls.  Have you ever seen a canon ball bounce through a crowd?  Of course not... it's 2016 but, I can just smell the flesh now.  Pork rinds anyone?

To put a little more butter on your bread, there's also an alligator farm a few miles down the road.   That moat may look like a pond now but put a few hundred hungry alligators in there and you've got yourself a Zed shredding ecosystem.

It would also be effective against attacks.  Notice the starburst pattern of the battlements.  This allow defenders to fire on opposing walls.  It also has direct access to the intracoastal waterway.  With a decent craft you could travel the full length of Florida scavenging for supplies.

Smells like fish?  Have all you wish!   

If you're going to survive, survive in style.  When your not guarding the battlements you can hop on your boat and head for the ocean.  Blues, dolphin, sand trout and many other fish are abundant in the ocean just a short ride east of the fort.  Not to mention a healthy supply of succulent shrimp.  So next time we have a zombie apocalypse, grab your sun visor, board shorts, and a lounge chair and head for sunny St. Augustine.  I'll meet you there, but don't forget the margarita and bloody mary mix.

Survival Skills

What does it take to survive in an existence removed from the world we know today?  I'll tell you but I think a lot of my readers may be deficient of some of these skills so you better sharpen up.  That's right, I'm talking to you. So grab a pen and paper and take some notes. 

Be flexible

I'm not talking about being able to touch your toes.  I'm referring to the type of flexibility that comes as a result of coping with change.  Being adaptable to your environment is probably the most important skill anyone can learn.  If you don't like vegetables, tough shit, eat some.  If you are afraid of heights, climb a cell phone tower.  If you can’t make it through the day with out a soy white chocolate mocha Frappuccino with an extra shot of espresso and extra whip stop being a sissy and chew on a coffee bean.    

Travel light

If you are carrying around your collection of Chia Pets and day dreaming about your past life, you can kiss your ass goodbye.   Shed the extra weight and find a good pair of shoes.  Hopefully the zed are of the Night of the Living Dead and not the Dawn of the Dead variety. 

Be handy

I’m not advocating a close relationship with Harry Palms here, although you should bring him too.  I’m talking about being able to use what you have available.  If you’ve never handled a hammer or hand saw you should pick one up now. 

Work out now!

Go to the gym and get a workout.  I doubt the dead heads will be impressed by your rock hard abs so stick to cardio and strength training.  If you need some extra motivation participate in a zombie run.  Check out what an organized run is like by clicking here

The World in the Palm of Your Hand

What are the necessities needed to fight off the horde?  Where do you scavenge for medicine, Twinkies, condoms, and weapons if you are caught unprepared?  I have a pretty a good idea of where to find those things but do you?  The good peeps at doejo sure do! They created a Google powered map that helps you locate the resources you need.

As you can see from the sample above, I'm well situated between the heavy artillery and the booze.  All I have to do is grab a bottle of Jack and steal one of those little blue tanks and I am outta' there.    

Check out their Map of the Dead website so when ole' ugly calls you'll be ready to answer.  I don't know who thought this project up but I sure would like to buy them a beer.

On a personal note, stay away from the Twinkies if you want to use the condoms or outrun the horde.  

Location, Location, Location

Any real-estate agent will tell you it's all about location but I doubt they've ever thought about the best location to sit out doomsday!  I want to live out my zombie days in luxury.  Since most will be already dead or dying there will be some select properties to choose from but if you want to stick with a no-frills secure site you should think about an old missile silo.  Nothing screams security like squatting in the home of a retired nuke.



Most decommissioned missile silos offer more than 10,000 sq ft of climate controlled bliss.  Add a few scavenged solar panels and drill a freshwater well and you'll be set for life.  You may even catch the occasional two headed fish nearby for that extra uranium enriched protein.

With 46 ton nuclear blast rated doors no one, including the poor-hygiene militia up the street, will be causing you any problems.  If you forget to shut the door and some dead guys get in it's no problem.  The 100 foot hallway is the perfect shooting lane for a quick game of zombie tap!

Don't bring a gun to a brain bash

How many times have you seen a survivor, armed to the teeth, overcome by the walking dead while pausing to reload?  In a zombie apocalypse we need to take a lesson from our European ancestors.  Their weapons were made to land blows with bone crushing effectiveness time and time again.  My instrument of medieval death would be the skull cracking force of a spiked steel ball.


 If it can punch through a layer of metal armor it can put a dent in the soft, rotting cranium of a Zed!  I would choose this baby over an edged weapon any day.  Wielded skillfully in both hands you're like a swirling tornado of death but don't forget to drop it before patting yourself on the back for a job well done. If you don't you're going to be sleeping on your stomach for a while.

Eat or be Eaten

A healthy human can easily go 40 days without a meal. Although looking like a starving Ethiopian may make you less appealing to the new denizens of earth, it doesn't do much for your energy or ability to fight the horde. Let's not even mention what starvation does to your sex drive. So if you want to survive, or at least enjoy your last days bumping nasties, make sure you have an adequate food supply.

I highly recommend some delicious buckets of freeze dried food.  It's not a bucket of fried chicken but it sure beats trapping rats or eating loyal little fluffy.

If you're one of those unfortunate non-believers that haven't already spent thousands of dollars stocking up on food supplies you're going to have to scavenge. I recommend steering clear of the big box stores. They will be like roach motels for the dead.  

Instead, hit up convenience stores and pile up on as much peanut butter as you can find. Peanut butter is a miracle food in a survival situation. It's high in nutrients, calories, and plant proteins. It also doesn't have to be refrigerated after opening. If you have enough you can even smear it on the ground near openings to slow those teeth gnashing maggot sacks long enough to bash their craniums. I think that's what good ole' George Carver had in mind the first time his spoon stuck to the roof of his mouth anyway.

Dressing for Success or ..... Devastation

For the ultimate protection against drooling dead guys buy a Kevlar jacket, but personally, I would have to sacrifice a little safety for some style. That's why I'd go with this rough and tumble leather jacket from Allstate Leather.


While you're fending off carnivorous cadavers it's easy to get bit or scratched on accident but if you've ever chewed on one of these things you'll know that your teeth will go before the leather will. You can fight with confidence knowing those bastards aren't going to be having you for brunch. Don't shave for a couple of weeks and even the fugliest ruffian will think twice about going a round with you. Bad-assery is an image that has to be kept up though so make sure to keep a few cigars and a Leather Cigar And Flask Case (Google Affiliate Ad) handy for a post-battle victory celebration.